Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
