cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
