I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
