We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
