he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
