the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
