two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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