Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
