Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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