I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
