i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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