i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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