you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Vodka?
Forever.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
