I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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