We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
