mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
