he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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