I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
