Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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