I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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