I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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