He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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