Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
