Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
