i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
