We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
