I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
