I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
