Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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