the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He felt like a one man threesome
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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