HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
