I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
