Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
