she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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