One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
