I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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