I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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