I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
