When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
