hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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