The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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