My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
