If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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