i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
