he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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