dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
