I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
