and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am midnight drunk by noon
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
