Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
