I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
