I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
