i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
