Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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