if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
